The Roger-Moore Algorithm.

Stairway to what now?!

2010-07-30T03:28:00.004+01:00

NA recently announced that Rob Van Dam and Abyss would compete in a "Stairway To Janice" match.

Don't worry, I don't know what it means either. I did have a go at making the poster for that week's episode of Impact. however.

I may have taken it a tad too literal.

Anyway, TNA marketing division, call me!

(For readers who aren't wrestling fans, I promise the next post will be about something other than wrasslin')

Forget West Virginia, this is the best wrestling promotion in the WORLD!

2010-07-28T20:52:00.006+01:00

[NOTE: Some Firefox users don't seem to be able to see the video below but just click "Read More.." and it'll appear. Apologies. d]

Behold, ladies and gentlemen, a video that will entertain everyone, be they wrestling fans or not:

If you watched the video, and I can only presume you have if you're reading this, you will understand what I meant in this post's title when I said Mountain State Wrestling is not just the best wrestling promotion in West Virginia, but the world.

The video opens strongly with Karl and man, is he a Karl. What can be said about violent world of Frank Parker that the man himself didn't already cover with that chest slap; a true champion of the promo. Stro, the Maestro of Wrestling was once known as Gorgeous George III. As you can see, there's a reason the past tense is used there.

And what about those Bunkhouse Boys eh? Eh? EH? Known for their agility, speed and and lethal aerial attacks. Sorry, that's sparrowhawks; easy mistake to make. But keep an eye out for The Bunkhouse Boys patented devastating finishing move, Getting Bum Raped In The Barn As Your Loved Ones Watch On While Tied Up And Crying. (You should hear the commentators yell that one!)

Kris King is two time MSW wrestler of the year and there were two him in the video. Get it? There were two of him, because he was two time wrestler of the year. See? Smart isn't it? That's why MSW is going to go places!

Then we've one for the ladies, you know who he is; "Hotstuff" Ricky Shane. (Cue "Who?" en masse)

I can feel my vagina frothing, can you?

NEWS JUST IN! The "Legit" half of Legit Dynamite as reached puberty and as such will be allowed to compete in the upcoming Pay Per View! I know there were some worried readers out there.

Two words. Diablo. Jr. Proving that the stereotype of huge, 'roided up dudes are the only successful wrestlers. I like his modest take on Bret Hart's ""The best there is, the best there was, and the best there ever will be"line, with his "The best today" line. Who is to know who the best tomorrow will be? Not Diablo Jr. that's for sure!

Finally, How you dooin' everayboday?!

I really want to be On The Road.

2010-06-10T02:02:00.005+01:00

I recently finished reading Jack Kerouac's On The Road on the flight home Spain a few weeks ago. Ever since finishing it I've practically thought about nothing but road trips and travelling around with just a rucksack and an enthusiasm for the unknown.

A few days after I got home from Spain, I was to go to a good friend of mine's 21st birthday on Clare Island, off the west coast of Ireland. I was so excited. Myself, Jon and Conor set off on a Glen Coco Experience roadtrip from Dublin, with Jon driving. As I had only ever gone to Clare Island from Cavan before with Mum driving, we weren't too sure on which roads to take so of course we consulted the source of all knowledge, Google. Google told us which roads to take and how long it would take to get there. I was suspect of the 3.5 hours it told us it'd take to drive west across the country seeing as it takes that long to get from Cavan to Mayo. Regardless, I knew it would be closer to 3.5 hours (in the region of 5 I predicted) than to the few weeks it took Mr. Kerouac and Co. to get across the USA. This just reminded me of how depressingly small Ireland is.

We set of at around 1.30pm with the aim of making the 5.30 ferry. Man, did we underestimate the journey.
I sat in the back seat, behind Conor, the window open, my head propped up with my jumper, my hair blowing out the window and delightfully, the May sun beating down. I drifted off to sleep sometime after we had left Co. Dublin behind us and were on the N5 westwards to the sounds of Benny Goodman. I soon began to dream of being in On The Road; Jon's Daewoo had transformed into an open top Cadillac, I was now sitting behind Jack Kerouac instead of Conor and in the driving seat was Neal Cassidy bouncing up and down in his excitable way. Benny Goodman still came swinging from the car radio. It was a surreal dream as it was like reality had just been skewed slightly rather than a clear cut dream, if that makes sense. For some reason I felt a great, peaceful happiness; something I'd not felt in months. The dream became more surreal, with Kerouac talking off picking up William S. Burroughs in Longford. I figured my brain had conjured this image after I semi woke for a few seconds to hear Jon and Conor talking about visiting our friend Sean as we passed through Longford.

Abruptly the dream came to an end when out of the radio of the beat up Cadillac came Sabotage by the Beastie Boys. The Cadillac transformed back into the Daewoo, I was once again sitting behind Conor and the excitable driver was once again Jon, who dragged on his rollie. Beastie Boys soon finished and the open chords of The Times They Are a-Changin emanated from the car radio. As I sat there thinking about how On The Road influenced that dream, I realised that if it wasn't for Kerouac, the song playing would in all likelihood not exist. Bob Dylan once said of the books influence on him, "It changed my life like it changed everyone else's".

Five and a half hours after we departed from Dublin, we found ourselves racing to make the 7.30 ferry, the last one of the day. For those of you who have not driven on roads in the West it is important to know that at times there is barely one lane for traffic, let alone one in each direction. This can pose quite the problem when you've missed your turn and then realise you've only minutes to make the boat. We bombed along at a speed fast enough that we'd make it, but at the same time slow enough so we could stop to avoid being crushed wreckless Dubliners on holidays driving like lunatics in their Range Rovers. The plan was that Conor and I would jump out and buy the tickets as Jon parked the car. (In case any of you were picturing a car ferry, think again. There's maybe space for 2 cars at most on these boats and even then they have to be crane lifted on.) Fail that, we'd pull a Starsky and Hutch and speed the car off a hypothetical conveniently placed ramp and onto the departed both. Luckily for us, the Daewoo and the good ship The Pirate Queen we hadn't to revert to Option B, much to the malaise of the adrenaline fueled kids inside us.

It was a fantastic night on the Clare Island. We partied until nearly dawn and after a few hours sleep were provided with a mountain of food for breakfast by Marian's mum. Once we'd eaten, The Glen Coco Experience embarked on our quest to climb the larger of two mountains. I, unwisely, did this topless and suffered pretty bad sunstroke that only really set in on the trip home and required me to get covered in Sudacream by Jon in a petrol station forecourt in Tulsk, Co. Roscommon. Between there and Edgewardstown, where Mum was collecting me, I was shivering uncontrollably and blacking out from the pain. Needless to say the journey east was not near as pleasant as the one west.

I really hope to travel a lot more over the coming summer months and from reading the book, I've put my shyness aside and contacted clubs outside Dublin and in the UK for gigs so, as well as gigging, I have the journeys to look forward too.

"What is that feeling when you're driving away from people and they recede on the plain till you see their specks dispersing? — it's the too-huge world vaulting us, and it's good-by. But we lean forward to the next crazy venture beneath the skies."
- Jack Kerouac, On the Road, Part 2, Ch. 8

Holy Nostalgic Email Batman!

2010-05-12T19:00:00.001+01:00

I'm currently lying in bed with a horrible headache (Is that the Waaahmbulance I hear?) and deleting old emails from my hotmail inbox. After setting the sort option to dates in ascending order (I think) I found this email from one of my best friends Niamh that I'd forgotten existed (the email, not Niamh) and it made me smile so much. It's dated "08 September 2006 10:20:53" and this what Niamho had to say:

"ye so im really bored in ecdl right now so i thought i write a message to
people, and yous are the lucky people....... theres no point t dis msg....
im just bored, nd im gettin my picture taken for the school foto which is
gay, gay, FAG, gay, gay.... u get it. oh and im kinda hoping itl be next
class coz i have a geog test nd i didnt get time t study for that coz i did
EVERYTHING i could do so just i didnt have to study........... BLAH. so here
i am, am i here? i am here, its amazin wot you can do with them 3 words isnt
it?? ye so im gonna go now,
goin

goin

gone!!!"

Being 16 was so much fun and was one of the best times of my life.

I must pointed out that Niamh's spelling and grammar has improved. Somewhat. ;)

Chairman LMAO's Comedy Blah Blah presents "UCD Vs. Trinity"

2010-04-27T03:47:00.003+01:00

On April 23rd, myself and a few friends organised a UCD vs. Trinity stand up "competition" at Chairman LMAO's Comedy Blah Blah (the club I run with Jon and Conor)

It was an absolutely fantastic night, and without a doubt my favourite gig that I've ever been a part of. We organised awards to add more fun to the night.

The comedians on the night were:

UCD:
Jon Hozier-Byrne - Most Charming
Kelan Flynn - Best Conor Award
Conor Barry - Kelan Flynn Award
Mairead Connell - Best Comedienne
Me - Tesla Award

TCD:
Conor O'Toole - Other Best Conor Award
Gavin Carberry - Best Glasses
Kevin Lockard - Most Vertical Stand Up
Valerie Lynch - Other Best Comedienne
James Belfast - Best Foreign Act

The night was MCed by my good friend Heber Hanly who also picked up the Heber Hanly Award for Best MC. :)

Below is the video of my set!

Scanger Rap

2010-04-22T01:33:00.003+01:00

A good friend of mine and fellow comedian Shane Browne has uploaded a recording of his latest hilarious song onto YouTube.

After watching that, be sure to look up his fantastic other song, The Celtic Tiger Song.

WWE Wrestlemania Revenge Tour Show.

2010-04-11T01:50:00.005+01:00

I'm just home from the WWE Wrestlemania Revenge Tour house show featuring the Raw roster in The O2 in Dublin. The last time I was at a pro wrestling show was last January I attended the TNA house show in Dublin. Just to get it out of the way, and as before, I won't waste the time of any non wrestling fan reading by go to a huge detail on the matches other than results:

MVP def. Chavo Guerrero
Evan Bourne def. Dos Caras
Maryse(c) def. Eve Torres and Kelly Kelly in a Triple Threat for Divas Title
Randy Orton def. The Legacy. Ted DiBiase got cut open and an EMT came into the ring to stop the bleeding so the match was held up.
Christian def. William Regal. Great match with a huge heat on Regal for obvious reasons.
ShoMiz(c) def. Kofi Kingston and Mark Henry to retain the Unified Tag Team Titles.
John Cena(c) def. Sheamus for the WWE Championship w/Bret Hart as special enforcer

This was the first time I was in The O2 since it was renovated and I was very impressed. I was at a Smackdown show in The Point, as it was known then, in 2005 and there were pillars in a lot of people's ways but now there is no such problem. The atmosphere was fantastic, with a huge amount age groups present. There was no queuing at all, everyone got straight in which was another noticeable difference with the 2005 show.

I guess the biggest aspect to tonight's show was the homecoming of Sheamus, the first ever Irish WWE Champion. While he did lose to Cena in the main event, he got the biggest pop of the night. After the match Cena cut a promo on him saying that he'd pushed the champion to the limit and that he has everything it takes to make it to the top and stay there. He then said that tonight the belt belonged to him and handed Sheamus the belt before leaving. After this Sheamus cut a promo on how a few years ago he was working security at WWE shows in The Point and how proud he was to be Irish and representing the country on a world stage. He said that he didn't win the championship at TLC for him, he won it for every Irish wrestling fan. He finally said that we deserved the belt and left it in the centre of the ring before going around the ringside fans and leaving. Cena's promo was a very classy move in my opinion and you could really feel the emotion and sincerity in Sheamus's speech.

As we were walking back along the Docklands we saw a small crowd outside the Clarion Hotel and we waited there for a short while before two coaches with all the WWE Superstars from the show pulled up. Most just waved or shook hands as they passed. Mark Henry and Evan Bourne stayed for over five minutes posing and joking with fans. I managed to get a picture with Sheamus where I'm grinning like a chump. Cena was the last off the bus but went straight inside as he seemed very banged up and was limping badly.

Here's video of Cena and Sheamus's post main event promos courtesy of my friend Breffni O'Sullivan whom I was at the show with and can be sort of seen in the above picture.

All in all, it was a fantastic night and was totally worth the €82 ticket cost. As cheesey as it sounds, I can't wait until my next wrestling show.

StreetDance 3D: A Review.

2010-04-09T14:23:00.002+01:00

Visually impressive? Check. Minorities speaking in broken English? Check. Plot devoid of originality? Check! No, it's not Avatar, (well it could be,just not on this occasion) it's Streetdance 3D, the latest film to jump on the street dancing bandwagon (See: Step Up, Step Up 2: The Streets) except unlike the others, this is set on the mean streets of London. And by mean streets, I mean a fancy ballet academy. Streetdance is a gritty, dramatic and realistic social commentary in which two groups of youths from contrasting upbringings must put their differences aside in order to win the most hallowed and prestigious UK Street Dance Final. Serious shit, I know!

The story centres around Carly and her “crew” of dancers wanting to win the aforementioned competition but in order to practice in a studio in a ballet academy they must allow some of the ballet students to be in her crew. “Madness!” I hear you yell, “That'll never work!” However, dear reader, let me assure it does; the dance routines are nothing short of impressive. To accomplish this former “Britain's Got Talent” contestants Flawless, Diversity, George Samson and Susan Boyle (if only). As earlier tensions between the two groups subside Carly starts to have eyes for “ballet boy” Tomas. As you can imagine this romance follows the usual formula for this type of movie but again the crappy dialogue and acting from the school of stroke victims is saved only by their impressive dancing, this time on the roof of his apartment that happens to look over London as the sun comes up.

An interesting element to Streetdance is the Real 3D which is the same 3D effect that films such as Avatar and Alice in Wonderland. To be honest, it does absolutely nothing to add to the film and in some scenes, where the camera pans overhead, it causes everything to be compressed horizontally. This though for some reason made me think of the 1971 version of “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory”, which can only be a good thing right?

The whole film builds up to the climactic dance final. However, an unknown amount of days before the big night the ballet dancers are told that their Royal London Ballet auditions are on the same day! This of course causes problems and almost leaves Carly's crew, now known as Breaking Point, disqualified for not having all their members present on time but luckily Carly's co-worker Eddie jumps on stage with a boom-box (convenient much?) and surprises everyone by breaking out some “ill” moves. The biggest surprise to me though was that Carly didn't notice her co-worker was George Sampson, like c'mon, he was all over the news and surely had to take a few days off work for BGT?

Sure, there's continuity errors, horrible dialogue and the premise is about original as invading Russia during winter, but that didn't stop anyone going to see Avatar; and you'll feel less guilty about knocking one out to the lead female.

Chatroulette; A Hindsight Review.

2010-02-28T23:25:00.003Z

Chatroulette is one of the latest internet crazes. It's a lot like Omegle, in the sense that you're connected with a random stranger, but on CR your webcam and mics are connected too. Sounds like a fantastic idea alright, and it is to an extent, up until you realise that a vast majority of the users are guys wanking, looking for girls to flash them.
If you can get past seeing a numerous fwapping guys for a second at a time, some fun can be had on CR. This is a conversation I had with a guy on CR about 3 weeks ago, when the user numbers were somewhere between 3000 and 7000 (these days it just says there are ">20000 users").
To set the scene; it was about 4am GMT, I had my "The Dark Knight" Batman mask, the Joker's mask he wears during the bank robbery scene and my Ash Ketchum hat beside me.

(I'm wearing my Batman mask when it starts)

You: this city needs a hero...
Stranger: dude
Stranger: i'm so baked right now
Stranger: Thank you
You: wait
You: it gets better
Stranger: Just thank you
Stranger: YOu take it off, and you're bruce wayne!?
You: this city needs a hero against who?
You: the joker you say?
(Switch to Joker mask)
Stranger: Diabetes!
Stranger: And people say chatroulette isn't fun
You: but waith!!!
You: on thee horizon
You: who is it???
Stranger: Oh shit
You: is it?
You: it can' t be!!
You: it is !!
You: it's ....
Stranger: Not the late heath ledger?

(I put Ash's hat on)
You: ash ketchum
Stranger: Oh thank god
Stranger: Ash to save the day
You: its the joker in disguise¬!!

It was at this point that Firefox decided to crash.

As I mentioned before, there are far too many guys on CR that ask girls to flash them but this has lead to some girls deciding to draw pictures or signs in response. Below is a picture of the first girl I encountered with one such sign and, as you can see from my face, I thought this was pretty freakin' funny!

She just "nexted" me without saying anything, which just made it funnier, as she was clearly just clicking her way through CR for giggles.

It's dawned on me that in the above picture I look like I'm wearing one of those ceremonial orthodox Jewish rabbi hats as opposed to a hoody which is ironic considering I got that hoody in the Jewish district of Antwerp. Spooky.

I'll leave you all ("all" being the 10 or so people who'll read this) with another encounter that made me smile.

Pika pika!

EDIT: It was just brought to my attention by a friend that had I been wearing my Ash Ketchum hat then it'd have been a moment of pure, innocent awesomeness!

Rules Don't Stop

2010-02-25T15:41:00.000Z

Rules Don't Stop is the latest single from my favourite band We Are Scientists. It is the first single from their upcoming album, Barbara. The song got it's first radio play two days ago on Zane Lowe's Radio 1 show and as of about 10 minutes ago, it's been available to listen to on their Myspace page. Needless to say, I love it but for those of you who aren't familiar with Keith and Chris, or as big a fan and need convincing, check it out now.

Oxegen 2010 Lineup - Initial Thoughts.

2010-02-24T22:10:00.000Z

Those of you who know me, know that I adore the Oxegen festival and go every year. Should I go this year, it will be my fifth Oxegen. The lineup was announced this past week and it's garnered very mixed reactions. I've no problem as such with the acts themselves, however my only fear is that Jay-Z and, more prominently, Eminem will attract quite large numbers of scumbags. While I adore both acts and do look forward to seeing them, after experiencing the dodgey types who were there last year for the The Game( who pulled out as it happened) I am weary. Of course I'm not saying all the people going to see those acts will be troublesome, it's just that there'll inevitably be a few who'll cause hassle.

Ok, so that's the parent in me's message done, on to the rest of the lineup.

This is a list from the Oxegen site of the confirmed acts so far:

Eminem, Muse, Jay-Z, Black Eyed Peas, Kasabian, The Prodigy, Florence and the Machine, Paolo Nutini, Faithless, Stereophonics, David Guetta, Vampire Weekend, Mumford and Sons, John Mayer, Hot Chip, Calvin Harris, Newton Faulkner, Gossip, The Temper Trap, Empire of the Sun, Goldfrapp, La Roux, Wolfmother, Rise Against, The Coral, Broken Social Scene, Ellie Goulding, Two Door Cinema Club, Arkansas, Armand Van Helden, Steve Angello, Simian Mobile Disco, Erol Alkan, Steve Aoki, A-Trak and Aeroplane.

From that list the acts I definitely plan on seeing are Rise Against, Mumford and Sons, Hot Chip, Steve Aoki, Broken Social Scene, Vampire Weekend, Eminem and Jay-Z.

I'm going to presume that Florence and The Machine will be on the O2 Stage, or whatever it's called this year, on Saturday or Sunday night after playing the fantastic but frankly tiny Red Bull Stage last year.

Hot Chip and Vampire Weekend both put on impressive shows when they played the festival in 08. It's been three years since I've seen Rise Against and it'll be cool seeing one band knowing that a lot of the crowd won't be drunk as they're straight edge. That said, who's to know, or care for that matter! They put on a good show and thats the important thing.

Despite not being announced, I definitely see We Are Scientists putting in a turn on the O2 Stage over the weekend, with a new album out in June.

I reckon we'll also see Welsh singer-songwriter Marina and the Diamonds, MGMT and The Dead Weather will appear.

There'll need to be another 1 or 2 big rock names added to the list to headline the O2 Stage or even the main stage, depending on what way Jay-Z, Muse and Eminem are going to be spread across the weekend.

I look forward to meeting up with the friends I made at last year's festival too. :)

Comedian: Year One.

2010-02-18T13:42:00.002Z

February 18th 2009. I performed stand up comedy for the first time ever. Not only was this the first time I'd done stand up, but it was also the first time I'd spoken to more than maybe 10 people at once. Terrifying, to say the least. After qualifying for the final of the UCD Stands Up competition, I was so happy and on such a buzz. Such was the amazingness, I implore everyone to try stand up, even just once.

Receiving generous applause from the amazing turnout of Cavan friends. :)

February 18th 2010. I've two gigs today.One for UCD Science Day, supporting Robbie Bonham, the other in The Underground Comedy Club. As cliched as it is, if you'd told me before I went on stage in Lonegans last year of all the gigs I would do and people I'd meet, I'd have probably thought you were fucking with me to put me off.

I've had so many amazing experiences in the last year; playing the Kilkenny Fringe, being on the radio and tv, signing my first autograph. All things that no doubt seem miniscule to those who've being doing this for longer than me, but for me, who grew up essential afraid of social interactions and public speaking, it's unbelievable. As I've said on here before, comedy is the first thing I've ever done that I've been really passionate about.

There're so many people I should thank for the last year, but I don't want to do a list for fear of forgetting/offending people. However I must give huge thanks to Aidan Killian and Dave O'Gorman for helping me get started and giving me and abundance of gigs, thanks to Jarlath Regan and Fred Cooke for their constant support, advice and for being a genuine nice guys and Emily O'Hanlon for driving me around over the summer, going to more gigs than anyone and putting up with me. :)

Despite my progression in terms of confidence, I still have to get over the uncomfortable feeling of calling a a stranger on the phone. This is one thing that has definitley prevented me from getting more gigs.

I will record my set in The Underground tonight and upload it in the next few days.

Thanks guys,

Yellow Submarine tea thing!

2010-01-31T16:37:00.001Z

I was just shown this! It's a Yellow Submarine that you put tea leaves in and it acts like a tea bag of sorts. I've no idea where to get it but if anyone finds one please get me it!

The "random musings than don't warrant their own post" post. #1

2010-01-29T01:00:00.002Z

Apologies for the lack of action on here lately. College has been a bit of a mindfuck and I've had to get myself organised so as not to eff up my life. I've not done a whole pile as of late so this is just a collection of little things.

Despite listening to them on a weekly basis, I rediscovered why I love Crystal Castles so much. When you want to dance and have a right giggle, their music is perfect, but also they're so relaxing if you listen to them on a low volume while trying to sleep.
I've bought a diary. I really don't know why I didn't get one ages ago! It makes keeping track of comedy gigs and bookings so much easier and I've also incorporated it into my set.
I started running a comedy club along with two of my best mates, Jon Hozier-Byrne and Conor Barry. It's called Chairman LMAO's Comedy Blah Blah and it's on alternating Sundays in the Twisted Pepper on Middle Abbey St, Dublin. Making money from comedy is weird as it doesn't feel right getting paid to tell some jokes; nearly as if it's too easy or there's a catch or something.
At the opening night of Chairman LMAO's our sketch group made it's debut. We're called The Glen Coco Experience and the sketches were some of the most fun I've had on stage. We hope to gig as much as we can and hopefully get a name for ourselves while still pursuing our individual stand up careers, much like Foil, Arms and Hogs.
I recently support Karl Spain which brings my total of comedians from The Panel that I've supported to 2. In the next few months I'm set to support both Jason Byrne and Jarlath Regan. All in all, comedy is going well.
College, however, not so much. After getting disastrous results I felt horrible as it means my rents will have to fork out at least €500 for me to resit these. However after getting a fantastic consoling text message from my dad made me realise that there's no point getting down about the results, and while I still feel guilty over the cost, the only thing I can do is to put my head down and work so I pass everything in the Summer.
My sleep pattern is slowly getting normalised after well over a year of being out of whack.

Finally, I'll leave you with a picture I intended on posting before Christmas but forgot to. Laters!

Reterospective; The Top Five Cultural Phenomena of the Last Decade.

2010-01-07T05:06:00.002Z

Note from David: This is a guest article contributed by a close friend of mine and comedy savant , Jon Hozier-Byrne, pictured here working his magic.

It’s 2010, we are now officially in the ‘Teenies’, and what a decade the last ten years has been. This is the decade that brought us the internet, the instantaneous access of all people to all the world’s collective knowledge, and My Chemical Romance. It was the decade of Live 8, which was like Live Aid, only Freddy Mercury was dead and instead we had Coldplay. We changed the world that day, through Coldplay’s dulcid tones, and now there’s no more famine or racism or whatever that was about. Something about people clicking their fingers, I don’t really remember. Anyway, Africa was saved and now we have Barack Obama. So, here’s the top five Cultural Phenomena of the Last Decade, the top five things that will define us in the minds of our children, and in the minds of future robot historians.

5) Judd Apatow Films

Some filmmakers define a generation. The 40’s had Orson Welles. The 60’s had Alfred Hitchcock. The 80’s had that gay fella that made Top Gun. We have Judd Apatow. I know what your thinking, that I’m about to launch into a scathing, cynical, holier-then-thou rant about how Apatow films aren’t funny, that it’s just infantile, sex-obsessed pot humour, and, well, it is. But that’s what makes it brilliant. Rarely do films ever show literal dozens of drawings of penises, talk constantly about penises, and basically base the entire narrative around the protaganist’s penises (penii?). Only two films I’ve ever seen have had that kind of focus on the male member, and only one of them is readily available in Chartbusters. And only one is brilliantly funny, where as the other one makes me want to cry a little.
Apatow films have not only changed audiences, that is to say, changed our generation, they’ve changed the way films are made. Kevin Smith, who more then any other filmmaker summed up the angst of the 90s in his own unique style, made his last film to mimic an Apatow production to tempt the box office gods. Granted, his film’s have always been the place where dick jokes go to die, but this time it had the word ‘Porno’ right in the title. And these are the biggest hits of our decade - fuck ‘Rosebud’ - we’ve got McLovin.

4) Reality TV

You know what’s better then Reality TV? That’s right, nothing. Sure, ‘Celebrity Jungle Anus Eating Show’ is tropical hoot. Who doesn’t love ‘Big Brother; Balding Racist Edition’. I know nothing gets me through the cold, lonely evenings like that one ‘We Take Anorexic Bitches in Various Degrees of Undress and Make Them Prance Like Sexy Monkeys for Your Wanking Pleasure In The Misguided Hope Of Getting A Next Top Career Show’. Catchy.
To fully appreciate the 2000’s you have to watch film’s like EdTV or the Truman Show, in which the plot depicted a hellish objectification of the individual for the audience’s entertainment, and consider that when these films were made they were not meant to be a fucking satire. Now we have Flavor of Love 2, where clock enthusiast Flavor Flav must find true love - Again!

3) The Cyberweb

There are times I really think we take the Internets for granted. Instantaneous access to all the information in the world. Seriously, all of humanities accomplishments at your fingertips. And by that, I mean a wank-bucket full o’ porn. Back in the 90’s, if we wanted to see boobs, we had to work for it. Buy a deck of cards with nudey ladies on it but pretend at the till that they’re just normal cards. Staring doe eye’d at the VHS cover of Striptease in your local VideoWorld. Actually buying the Sun. But no longer. On Google, if you can spell it, it exists. You’re the boss. You say “Midgets”, and the Internet says “How high?”. You say “Underwater Amputee Lesbian Pre-op”, and sure, the Internet will feel a little dirty afterwards, but it’ll sort that shit right out. And won’t even point out that it doesn’t make sense, that’s how good a friend the Internet is.
Seriously, here is a test. Stop reading this for a second. Did you ever wonder who played Sharkboy in ‘Sharkboy and Lavagirl’? No, of course you didn’t, no-one did. But you can find out in about two seconds. Seriously, go do it. I’ll wait here. I won’t write anything funny until you get back, or, indeed, at all. Go on. … Are you back? Who played him? Actually don’t tell me, I don’t care.
But seriously, think about this for a second. No longer is intelligence defined by how much you know. If you have a laptop and can spell Wikipedia, you know everything. Intelligence is now the processing speed, the comprehension, the aplomb applied to what is now universal knowledge. The Internet changed the definition of ‘smart’. All that, and it got ‘Snakes On A Plane’ made. Surely, the Internet is some sort of Tron-like Messiah.

2) Twilight

‘There Will be Blood’? There Will be Boredom. ‘Borat’? Bore-at. ‘The Dark Knight’? The Dark… It’s boring. Forget what every other news source, publication or right-thinking man says. This is the film of the decade.
Stephanie Meyer had the unmitigated, heavy-flowing genius to re-imagine the Vampire, not as a terrifying spectre of the night, an ethereal hunters who stalks the living for his pray, but as a sparkly faggot in a tree. Edward Cullen sums up the man of the 2000’s - sensitive, emotive, and with the physique of a fourteen year old girl, the same demographic he paradoxically appeals to. He is the anti-Sparta, the antidote to macho heroes of the 80’s and 90’s - no longer does a protagonist have to tear Alan Rickman limb from limb to be an international heartthrob- he just has to climb trees really fucking fast.
At first glance, it’s difficult to see why women everywhere invest so much in this book, in particular Edward. Granted, Bella, the female protagonist, is basically a large cut-out for ‘your self-loathing face here’, but why do women find the idea of a 100 year old man creeping into your house at night and watching you sleep attractive? I’m 21, and I get nothing but hassle.
I could say that the whole phenomenon is evidence of the paradoxical alienation felt in an ever more inter-connected society, and that the personal identification of being ‘special’ and ‘unique’ bears more weight then ever before, and that it reflects an increasingly isolated female youth lost in the anxiety of a sex-crazed society, but I won’t say that. I won’t say that because that’s a load of wank and chips. It’s shite. It’s a fad, it’s yo-yo’s, it’s Yugi-Oh, it’s a third fad starting with Y. It’s the worst kind of trash, it’s emotional manipulation. On new copies of ‘Wuthering Heights’ there are now stickers saying ‘Bella and Edward’s Favourite Book’. I wish that was a fucking joke. I think in a sad, yet strangely beautiful way, this sums up our decade - trash, but bloody brilliant trash.

1) Twilight; New Moon

See above, but this time there’s fucking werewolves. You know that werewolf kid played Sharkboy out of Sharkboy and Lavagirl? I know, right? Fucked up.

Jacob, seen here with the vagina from 'Teeth' on his chest.

Riverside, muthafucka!

2010-01-06T04:44:00.004Z

On New Years Day I posted "Riverside" by Sydney Sampson. Here's where the vocal sample came from. It's from the 1992 film "Juice" starring Omar Epps (Eric Foreman in "House") and Tupac "2Pac" Shakur (not Eric Foreman in "House").

Altogether now, "Riverside, muthafucka!"

Resolutions for 2010.

2010-01-04T03:48:00.011Z

Firstly here's what I said at the beginning of 2009 and how I did:

Resolutions.

1. Become more committed and determined to projects. - Seems grammatically incorrect but anyway, I guess so. Start doing comedy and it's the only thing I've been passionate about.

2. Start to do some actual work at college. - I started busting my ass towards the end of semester two and got my GPA up but then semester one of 3rd year has been a disaster.
3. Get a job. - No, I did try but to no avail, but I guess if this comedy thing works out this might actually be achieved.

Plans
1. To buy, build and maintain my own domain name and site. - Yups!

2. Save enough money to buy an Eee PC. - Got a Samsung netbook for Christmas.
3. Clear out my room, get a new desk and wardrobe. - Eh, about that...
4. Set up an office style set-up, which instead will be used for gaming, Internet and designing. - Not as permanent a set up as I would have liked.

Now for my resolutions for 2010;

Resolutions.

Be happier.
Write and gig; Try to write new material all the time and get as many gigs wherever I can.
Again, put a real effort in at college and not waste the opportunity I'm lucky enough to have.

Plans

Make my mind up about college; decide whether to continue into 4Th year to get an honours degree and then decide about where I want to do my final year.
Try to do more modeling of any type. Even though I get really nervous, it's always something I enjoy once its over and gone well.
Tattoos! I want to get at least two, one in the next few weeks and one around my birthday

Much like last year, a litte methaphorical kick up the arse from time to time would be greatly appreciated, friends.

Modeling for the University Observer.

2010-01-02T03:51:00.007Z

Just remembered I had a virtual copy of the issue of the UCD University Observer that I modeled t-shirts in months so I thought I'd post them, just out of thanks to my friend Sean McGovern who is the fashion editor at the paper. It was loads of fun to do and I'd love to do it again. (Hint, hint Sean.)

Happy New Year!

2010-01-01T14:36:00.004Z

Had a good giggle out last night in Cavan with my besties. It was the first time I've ever seen a DJ only play music from the last decade; get with the times...

Also, is it just me or when people say "Happy New Year! Have a good one!" does it give the impression they're wishing you well for the year as if they won't see you until next year?

Bad jokes aside, my friend Eamon and I absolutely lost our shit when we got our request played.

I'll do a resolutions blog later but for now I've some sleep to catch up on.

Happy New Years chums!

The Last Decade.

2010-01-01T04:53:00.004Z

The last decade was very important for me, probably more so than any other decade in my life, for the following reasons;

Finished primary school.
Started secondary school.
Puberty happened. (Some would argue it's ongoing)
Made some amazing friends I know I'll have for life.
Discovered the world of music, something that has shaped who I am.
Finding the wonders of the internet.
Became somewhat social.
Did the Leaving Cert. and finished secondary school.
Love of comics reignited.
Fell in love with movies.
First job, working with the HSE.
Moved to Dublin to study in UCD.
Developed some confidence.
Started doing stand up comedy, the first activity I've ever felt passionate for.
I turned 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18 and 19; each being a stand out age for their own reason.
Visited France, Spain, Portugal, Belgium, Italy and England.

My Favourite Movies of the Decade.

2009-12-31T01:20:00.003Z

I decided I'd make a Top Twenty list of my favourite films that were released over the last ten years. There are probably a few films I'd have put on this list if I had seen them but there's not a lot I can do about that now, is there?

"Watch them?"
Shut up, omnipresent critical reader, you're always trying to put me down.
Without further to do, my list, which I've split into an unordered top twenty, with my favourite ten being those with a short paragraph.

Top Twenty Films of The Noughties.

Anchorman

The Departed

Sin City
Spiderman

Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind

Lost In Translation

Thank You For Smoking

Shaun of the Dead

Sideways

Watchmen

Probably the least well received movie on this list, but I absolutely adored it. While the ending was different to the comic's, director Zack Snyder otherwise stayed loyal to the source. The characters are perfectly brought to life and fantastically played, with the stand out being Jackie Earle Haley's Rorschach appearing as if he'd walked straight from the pages of Alan Moore's comic to the big screen.

Casino Royale

The 21st James Bond movie saw Daniel Craig make his bow as the famous 007. Casino Royale does not continue where the other twenty left off, but rather introduces us to a new timeline in which we see Bond as he earns his license to kill. It is a far grittier and more realistic movie than any Bond outing before it and this was crucial as the series had started to become clichéd, cheesy and formulaic.

WALL-E

In 2008, the geniuses at Pixar delivered, in my opinion, their best film to date(which says something looking back at their stellar filmography). WALL-E is a waste collection robot who spends his live collecting and sorting the waste that forced human kind to abandon the Earth. WALL-E finds love in the form of EVE, a robot sent by the humans to search for living plant life. I actually challenge anyone to watch this film and not feel an overwhelming sense of childhood innocence and wonderment.

Spirited Away

Spirited Away is a 2001 release from the legendary Studio Ghibli. The story revolves around young girl as she encounters a world of ghosts and spirits while moving to a new town. It won the 2002 Oscar for Best Animated Film and is the highest grossing movie in Japanese history. The film is also hand drawn, something which is not all that common in today's world of computer generated imagery which gave the film an even more charming quality. Spirited Away is nothing short of magical and is as good as, if not better than, anything the House of Mouse have produced.

Pan's Labyrinth

Pan's Labyrinth was the most unforgettable movie of 2006. A dark and twisted fairytale set against the backdrop of the Spanish Civil War, it weaves its way through horror, fantasy and history seamlessly. Guillermo del Toro' let his imagination run free and created a visually arresting work of art. As a pure cinematic experience, it is a masterpiece.

The Dark Knight

I was going to feature Batman Begins instead because of what it did for the Batman franchise, but I couldn't leave it's 2008 sequel off this list. The Dark Knight just picked up exactly where BB let off and set the standard for not only comic book movies, but all action blockbuster movies. It showed that movies with explosion don't need to be devoid of plot, dialogue and character development (Michael Bay, I hope you're reading). Any mention of TDK isn't complete with mentioning Heath Ledger's role as The Joker which, in my opinion, is the best example of character acting ever.

The Motorcycle Diaries

The Motorcycle Diaries is a biopic based on the memoirs of Ernesto "Che" Guevara from when he travelled across South America at the age of 23. Ernesto, accompanied by his best friend Alberto Granado, see firsthand on his travels the impoverished state of the people of rural South America. The film shows the passion of a young Guevara that lead him to become the iconic revoultionary that he became. Andrew from SUPERCALIFRAGILISTICEXPIALIDOCIOUS! commented on this film 'After watching The Motorcycle Diaries, did anyone else think "Fuck, I'm wasting my life"?'

Donnie Darko

Richard Kelly’s twisted indie film Donnie Darko managed to slip under the radar in 2001 but became a hit with its DVD release and even managed to propel Gary Jules to a Christmas number one. It is a mind bending masterpiece that stays with you for a long time after you see it. Just try explaining it to your friends though.

The Wrestler

It could be argued that any of Darren Aronofsky's film made over the last decade could have featured on this list, but for me The Wrestler was his best. The story of Randy "The Ram" Robinson is one that so many real life professional wrestlers have lived, obsessing over their glory days and denying to themselves that they ever ended. This is a must see for everybody and most definitely is not just for wrestling fans.

The Lord Of The Rings

The word "epic" has become a bit of a cliché these days, but there is no better word for TLOTR trilogy. I'm including the trilogy, as last year I watched all three in one sitting and it was probably the most enjoyable ten straight hours of my life and if you ever get the chance to do it, don't hesitate to say yes! The trilogy won 17 Oscars overall, with each film winning the award for best visual effects, deservedly so as they are all stunning.

Amelié

Not only is this my favourite film of the last ten years, Amelié is my favourite movie of all time. The film centres around one of cinema's most enchanting characters Amelié Poulain (played by the mesmerising Audrey Tatou) and her journey to make people happy which, over the course of the film, causes her to fall in love. This is a film that, no matter how many times I watch it or whatever mood I am in, will always leave me with a great feeling of happiness and satisfaction. Lastly, the soundtrack, composed by the wonderful Yann Tiersen, is an absolute classic.

There you have it, a no doubt, highly disagreed upon list. I'd like to thank Aidan Greene for helping me get this done by the end of the year.

Interview with George Michael.

2009-12-24T23:49:00.006Z

I recently had the privilege of interviewing George Michael. As it is Christmas I decided to ask George about the class "Last Christmas"

Me: So George, is there any deeper meaning to the song or is it just a song of love and heartbreak?

George: Actually Dave, sorry, is it okay if I call you Dave?

Me: Well I'd really rather you didn't...

George: Well Dave, "Last Christmas" is really about an unfortunate accident that lead to a man dying and his family donating his heart to a girl on Christmas Day. However, her body rejects the heart and she too passes away and the heart is then donated to another person. The entire ordeal is narrated by the spirit of the heart's original owner.

Me: I see, I see. What about the more romantic lines such as "I wrapped it up and sent it with a note saying "I Love You" I meant it."?

George: True story actually, Andrew (Ridgeley) once sent a sheep's heart with a love letter to a girl he saw on the bus once.

Me: Wow! Was it over things like this that lead to leaving Wham?

George: Sort of. As I've stated before, I wanted to make music for a more adult, sophisticated audience and Andrew wanted to continue targeting teenagers, both musically and sexually.

Me: I think we shall leave it there. Thank you very much for your time sir!

George: Don't mention it Dave!

George Michael: May or may not have participated in this interview.

The Spirit of Christmas is dead?

2009-12-19T00:40:00.007Z

I was walking home from getting a late bite to eat with my friend Conor earlier on tonight when I notice two ladies crossing the road to my side. As I walk down the road one of the two ladies shouts to a passing car,

"Are you looking, love?"
Now, I must say that I didn't immediately think that they were hookers when I saw them for the simple reason that I didn't think they came in pairs (or should that be pretend to come?). I must say that Conor lives in a very nice and posh part of Dublin, it just happens to be a preferred spot for those on the game.
Back to me walking down the road! I pass the two women and the following conversation happened;

Hooker : "How're you tonight dear?"
Me : "I'm pretty good, and yourselves?"
Hooker : "Are you looking for some business?"
Me : "I'm afraid I'm not. Sorry!"
Hooker :"That's all alright. Take care love!"
Me : "Same to you. Have a nice night."
Hooker : "You too!"

So as you can see it was all very pleasant and polite, as all refused sexual transactions should be. However, I remembered Conor pointing out two Gardaí just before we got to his place. I call back to the prostitutes.
Me : "Eh, excuse me, sorry!"
Hooker : "Yeah?"
Me : "There are two Gardaí around that corner just so you know."
Hooker : "Aww, thanks very much love, that was very kind of you."
And with that they crossed back over the road and headed off into the snowy night as I continued home content in the knowledge I kept someone from spending Christmas in a jail cell. We can only imagine the fun, magical and mysterious adventure they're on right now.

Like this, only sluttier.

Although it's probably a safe bet to assume that it involves some chap's bell end tickling their tonsils.
People say the spirit of Christmas is dead; not on my watch it is.

"Lessons Learned" - Matt and Kim

2009-12-16T22:28:00.004Z

"And so I stayed up all night
Slept in all day
This is my sound
Thinking about tomorrow won’t change how I feel today."

Pretty much me at the moment!

The messed up sleep/all over the place part, not the streaking tendencies...

Best Movies of the 2000's - My shortlist.

2009-12-10T14:56:00.008Z

This is my list of films that I will be considering for my list of the top ten, possibly top twenty, of the last ten years. Please leave your suggestions and opinions in the comments section below. The final list will be posted this day week!

300
8-Mile
Amélie
American Psycho
Anchorman
Batman Begins
Bourne Trilogy
Casino Royale
Cast Away
Catch Me If You Can
City of God
Cloverfield
The Dark Knight
The Departed
Donnie Darko
Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind
Fantastic Mr. Fox
Garden State
Gladiator
Harry Potter series
Hellboy
Howl's Moving Castle
Juno
Kill Bill I
Lars and The Real Girl
The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou
Little Miss Sunshine
The Lord Of The Rings Trilogy
Lost In Translation
Me and You and Everyone We Know
Mean Girls
Memento
Motorcycle Diaries
Napoleon Dynamite
No Country for Old Men
The Notebook
Pan's Labrynth
Oceans 11
Oldboy
Requiem For A Dream
Shaun of the Dead
Sideways
Speed Racer (happy Eamon?)
Spiderman
Spirited Away
The Spongebob Squarepants Movie
Star Trek
Thank You For Smoking
Up
Wall-E
Watchmen
The Wrestler
Zoolander

Again, please feel free to leave suggestions and opinions in the comments sections.